37 Weeks!!!
That went by so quickly. I hear that people say the last trimester goes by the slowest, and I have to disagree. I feel like it has flown by and with every day that passes, I have so many emotions that run through me.
Happiness being the #1 emotion
but then there is
anxiety
fear
excitement
exhaustion
insecure
confidence
nervous
I keep asking Jake, "are you ready" or "are you nervous". He always says he is ready and that he isn't nervous at all and that he is ready to be a dad and that he is so excited for her to be here.
I feel the same. I am ready for Willow to be here, and I am so excited.
But I'm also nervous.
All I can think about sometimes is: What if I'm a bad mom? What if I don't teach her what I'm supposed to? What if she rebels, can I handle it? What if she gets sick? What if someone takes her? What if something happens to her when I'm not around? What if, What if, What if.
I know it's normal for these thoughts to happen and I know as soon as she gets here I will know exactly what I'm supposed to do. But man, the anxiety and fear is screwing with me.
I want to be the best mom there is. I want to teach her everything I know and more. I want her to know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and have a strong testimony. I want her to know America and believe in the same things her father and I do. I want her to know music and art and beauty. I want her to know math and science and english. I want for her to have that hunger for life that we all strive for.
And I want her to know how much I love her and how much her dad loves her.
I just pray that I can do it.
I'll go and sit in her nursery right now in the glider and just think about how it's going to be. How in the middle of the night, I'll come and rock her back to sleep when she needs to eat or had a bad dream. Or how I'll teach her how to walk and crawl and talk.
At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was thinking I would read all the books on how to be a good parent. So I started out with "What to Expect When You're Expecting". Jake and I made it to about the 4th month when we had to stop. Not because the information wasn't good, but that I decided I just wanted to figure it out as time went on.
I haven't read a book since about parenting or pregnancy.
A lot of how I'm going to parent and teach my children is going to be from what I saw with my mom and dad or my siblings.
I may be naive about some things, but I'll figure it out.
The weeks have flown by, and I haven't been very good on keeping record on what has happened.
Last Friday I went in for a Dr. appointment and was told that I shouldn't expect her for a good week and a half AT ALL. I've heard a lot of people say they are dilated to at least a 2 by this point. I'm not even a 1. TMI: my cervix is barely even thinning out at this point. He then did an ultrasound and measured her to be 6 pounds at birth. Hopefully that stays the same. 7 weeks ago she was measuring to be 8 pounds, but she has slowly decreased in growth since then. I asked him why that was, and he said there were many possible reasons, but for me it was most likely because I have a small body frame and genetics. None of my mom's babies were big (I was her biggest and was 8.7 on my due date and I was the third child, my brother and sister were smaller than that - Danielle being 5 lbs). Over here in Germany things are done a little different than in the states. One of the main things I've noticed so far is the ultrasounds. Our insurance will pay the German Dr's for every ultrasound they do and it wont cost us a thing, so naturally, the dr will do one at every appointment. I don't mind, more money for them, more times I get to see my baby for me. In the states we would be permitted only 2 ultrasounds the entire pregnancy - one to hear the heartbeat, and one for the sex. They also don't like to do c-sections. They will try to avoid it as much as possible, and it's weird to them when an American schedules a c-section just because they don't want to wait until their due date. They also don't induce unless you NEED to (preeclampsia), or if you are over your due date. One of the biggest differences I know of is the epidural. They say they give you a good amount to numb you all the way, but from every single person I have talked to that has had a baby over here, you can still feel it. It's called a "walking epidural" or "mobile epidural". So I'm very nervous for that because I don't want to feel anything. Oh well, I guess when the times comes to push, I won't really be caring much. They don't provide gowns unless you are having the epidural, and so you have to bring your own clothes to get the afterbirth on, or go stark naked.
Other than those small simple things, everything else is pretty much the same. Willow will stay with me for the first 2-3 hours and then they will do the tests after that and I'll move to a room that we will stay for 3 days. I'm not planning on a c-section, but if I end up having to have an emergency one, then I will be in the hospital for 5 days.
My mom will be here and so she is going to be able to help me as much as possible. Jake will be with me every step of the way. He gets 10 days of paternity leave from work when I have her that he can take anytime her wants, so he will be taking it as soon as I'm out of the hospital.
My dad will be getting here in May and staying for 13 days. We will do her blessing while he is here and I can't wait because her dress is absolutely gorgeous!!!!
I don't feel 37 weeks pregnant. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm at the end because I have never lost the drive to get things done. I worked for most of my pregnancy and then when I stopped working, I would get up and get things done. I'm not very good at just sitting around and looking at a TV for hours upon end. I like to always be moving, so when I think of how far a long I am, it shocks me because you would think at 37 weeks I would just be exhausted and ready to be done. I'm not. I'm good, and I can keep on going. Some nights are hard to sleep, but once I'm asleep, I'm fine. I get heartburn like crazy, but if I take my medication then I'm fine - Oh p.s. the thing about babies having hair if you have heartburn is a MYTH!!! I can see on my baby's 3D ultrasound that she is balder than bald and I have heartburn every single day and I have since October.
I'm really hoping that she doesn't come until her due date or even the day after (Easter). Jake is taking a test on the 16th that is hard and stressful and I don't want any distractions taken from her when she gets here or taken from him to be able to study. All around it would just be a lot better and a lot more peaceful if she could just cuddle up inside of me until her due date or after. Plus, I think it would be so fun and awesome to have Willow on Easter. A day we are celebrating the resurrection of Christ and then to also celebrate the birth of my baby.
Only 2 weeks and 4 days left!!!!
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